Divine Culinary Broadcaster – 0001 – Are You Kidding Me?

Chapter 1 – Are You Kidding Me?

Author: Black Lantern (黑色花灯)

 

Translated by Prosperousfood.com

Retranslated by Gumihou

 

For better accuracy, Fine Food Broadcaster shall henceforth be known as Divine Culinary Broadcaster~~

Also, all $ (dollar) signs will now be changed to ¥ (yuan)

 

As he dragged his exhausted body through the corridor of his flat, Ye Fei carefully lightened his footsteps as he passed by the door of the landlady. After passing that obstacle, he hurried forward and was about to insert the key into his lock when he felt an evil presence behind him.

Instinct made him shrink away, barely avoiding a pair of hands out to grab him into the nether. He whirled around and flashed a nervous smile at his assailant. “Sister Ma, it’s almost 11 o’clock. Shouldn’t you be resting now?”

The attacker was Landlady Ma Cuihua. Her hands were now placed on a rather plush set of hips as she glared at him, “Ye Fei, you had better not try and pull wool over my eyes. You haven’t paid up last month’s rent and it’s already the 10th of this month. When are you paying up? Give me an answer now!”

Ye Fei’s expression grew bitter, “Sister Ma, you should also know that I only receive my salary on the 15th, ah. Can’t you give me a few more days? I’ll definitely pay you on the 15th, promise!”

Ma Cuihua continued to stare at Ye Fei until the hairs on the back of his neck all stood up. He thought: Just what is going on? Don’t tell me you want me to pay the rent with my body? Let me tell you now, I, Ye Fei, am a true gentleman. There will be no negotiation unless you can waive at least half a year’s worth of rent.

“The 15th, you are the one who said it. If you don’t cough out the rent on the 15th, you had better pack your things and scram,” said Ma Cuihua coldly.

Ye Fei quickly nodded. He beamed, “Thank you Sister Ma, don’t worry. I’ll pay the rent latest by the 16th.”

“Hm?” Ma Cuihua’s eyes suddenly widened and scoured over Ye Fei. She looked as though she was about to lose her temper and chase this procrastinator out right this moment.

Ye Fei shivered and hurriedly said, “No, no, I was wrong. The 15th, latest by the 15th.”

Ma Cuihua finally nodded with satisfaction. Then, she turned and left.

Ye Fei waited until Ma Cuihua had entered her flat before he quietly wiped off the cold sweat from his forehead and entered his room.

Calling it a flat was generous. The single room was only about 30 meters square in total, equipped with a toilet slash shower. Just before the entrance of the toilet was a white ceramic tiled tabletop that serves as the simplest of kitchens.

Once inside the room, Ye Fei sighed and flopped onto his bed. He buried his face into the quilts and sighed.

“Hu~~~~”

About 2 or 3 minutes later, Ye Fei raised his head and blinked. Then, he turned around to flop to his back and stared at the pale ceiling.

“What should I do, ah? If I can’t pay HX¥1,600 by the 15th I’ll have to [1] ‘drink the northwest wind’ next month. Do I really have to borrow money again? I am already hundreds of thousands of yuans in debt, ah!”

Growwlll….

While Ye Fei was worrying about his future, his stomach suddenly growled.

Sitting up on his bed, Ye Fei rubbed his belly with a bitter smiled, “[2] When it rains, it pours. I’m already so poor, ah. Yet, my stomach still cries for food. Guess I should make something and feed it.”

Ye Fei got out of the bed and made his way to the doorway to turn on the lights in the little kitchen. However, the moment he touched the switch, something like an electrical current zapped through his body.

Despairingly, he wailed, “F*ck! It’s finished! I’ve been electrocuted!”

The moment Ye Fei thought disaster had fallen upon his head, Ye Fei suddenly heard a voice in his head say, “Divine Culinary Broadcasting System has successfully bonded with the host:

 

Host Name: Ye Fei

Sex: Male

Age: 20

Hometown: [3] Hua Xia Country, Xizhou Province, Yinzhou City, Ling Tian local

Political Outlook: Part of the Young Pioneers 15 years ago

Hobby: Peeping on woman, eating

Unique Feature: Can eat a lot, not picky

Standards of Beauty: So long as it’s the opposite sex, Host will find it beautiful

Favourite colours: Yellow, green

Profession: Apprentice chef at Milky Way Palace in Yinzhou City.

(Half-year apprenticeship, could only wash vegetables)

… …”

 

“Stop! Stop! Stop!”

The information bombarding his brain was revealed in a relatively painless and orderly way. However, the information contained some of his deepest darkest secrets and he had to stop the System or his shady past would be laid bare to all eyes.

“Host has something to say?”

“What nonsense are you talking about? I have plenty to say! I say, who are you? How are you speaking into my brain?

The robotic voice rang out again, “Divine Culinary Broadcasting System. You may address me as the DCB System for short.”

“Divine your ass,” Ye Fei’s lips pursed. He was just about to hurl some insults at this unseen enemy when something occurred to him. He stood in place for a long time as he processed the information before finally rebooting and asking with wide eyes, “Wh- what did you say? You’re a System? A System bonded to me?”

DCB System, “Additional detail has been added to Host’s unique features – takes a long time to react to change.”

Ye Fei, “… …”

“The System comes from the world that you do not know. The objective of the God Level Divine Culinary Broadcasting System is to assist the Host to become the best Divine Culinary Broadcaster in the entire universe,” said the System before Ye Fei could ask more questions.

“God Level Divine Culinary Broadcasting System? Want me to be a broadcaster? Are you talking about those idiots who act all stupid and sell [4] meng for money in front of the camera all day?” asked Ye Fei incredulously.

DCB System replied, “Host, broadcasters do not act cute and sell meng for money. They strive to win over the audience with their abilities, gain rewards and make money through broadcasting.”

Ye Fei pondered over the System’s words for a while. He felt that the System was correct. Society had developed to the point that there were many new and emerging jobs in the world. The online broadcasting host was just one of those many professions that came with improved Internet connections along with e-sports etc. There were, in fact, many excellent talents showing off their skills online through broadcasting. Some could sing, beatbox, dance etc… In fact, some of these broadcasters were even better than those second or third rate artists in the same industry.

However, for him to become a broadcaster was… how was he going to do that? He has no musical skills, can’t dance, beatbox etc. Well, he knew a bit of everything but wouldn’t he be laughed out of the broadcaster community if he were to show these elementary skills online?

“Excuse me but… I really don’t have any suitable talents to show…” Ye Fei scratched his head embarrassedly.

DCB System, “As a Divine Culinary Broadcaster System, my main task is to assist the Host and help you overcome obstacles and provide necessary and timely assistance.”

“Yi~~~? This is great! This is very good, ah! If you can do all that I can give this broadcasting thing a try. What should I do? How do I begin?” From the moment the System said ‘provide necessary and timely help’, Ye Fei was on board. What was there to be afraid of? Just do it!

The System did not appear to care about Ye Fei’s excitement. Its tone remain bland as it said, “To become a broadcaster, Host would need top-level equipment. The System will provide high definition hidden cameras and hidden golden voice microphones for the Host as well as top-notched network service with 24 hours of unlimited Internet access.

Host shall also need a platform for the broadcasting. This System recommends the QQ Broadcasting Platform. Finally, as a Divine Culinary Broadcaster, you must have superior culinary skills.”

Ye Fei had been happily nodding away until the final condition popped up.

Must have superior culinary skills?

Are you f*cking with me? When you listed my details just now, don’t you already know that I have only been washing vegetables for the past six months?

“The first two points might still be possible but the third point is… I might not be able to meet it,” said Ye Fei awkwardly.

DCB System said, “Host need not worry about your culinary skills. The System exists to help you. Host will be provided with top-quality ingredients and assistance to improve your culinary skills. What Host needs to do is go along with the instructions.”

Ye Fei stroked his chin, his eyes twitching as he pondered. Although he was happy to have a System attached to him, he still has enough awareness to understand that there’s no such thing as a pie falling out of the sky. The System said it will provide everything and all he had to do was follow along with no repercussions. No matter how he thought about it, such no strings attach opportunity sounded a lot like a scam?

“You tell me the truth now, why are you helping me to such an extent?”

DCB System, “To help Host become a God Level Divine Culinary Broadcaster in the whole universe.”

“Really?” Ye Fei still could not believe it. Surely even a System would not help him so unconditionally.

“Really, what Host needs to do now is to become a good broadcaster. So long as Host performs your task well, the System shall also provide rewards and care packages from time to time.”

“The f*ck? Tasks? Are they like missions?” he knew it. There was no way the System would help him out unconditionally. Just what kind of mission would he be given? Would he need to fight demons and ghosts to level up?

“That’s right. For the moment, only Level 1 privileges available are available. All other privileges are locked. For Host to access higher-level privileges, Host will have to purchase other levels with money.”

“Only Level 1 is available? How much does it cost to open up Level 2 privileges?” asked Ye Fei.

DCB System said coolly, “Not much, only HX¥ 1 million.”

When Ye Fei heard 1 million, he nearly collapsed to the floor. Not much? Only? Curse your sister, if I have 1 million would I bother to become a broadcaster, ah?

“System, are you kidding me?”

 

[Gumihou: Hmm, this is more interesting than Gumi had remembered. Also, interestingly enough, I… didn’t need to do any editing… Σ(･口･)]

 

Notes:

[1] 喝西北风 – literally translated as ‘drink the northwest wind’. Meaning to ‘go hungry’.

[2] 屋漏偏逢连夜雨 – literally translated as ‘The house is filled with endless rain’, means ‘It never rains but pours’.

[3] Ye Fei’s address is pretty interesting. It listed the country first, followed by province and city. However, what’s even more interesting are the names. Half fictionalized but in an interesting way. Let’s break it down:

华夏国 – Hua Xia Country – Hua Xia is the old name for China

西川省 – Xichuan Province is probably a homophone of Sichuan province 四川省, note the similar-looking words too.

银州市 – Yinzhou City doesn’t exist but Yinzhou District does

凌天县人 – Ling Tian local, this one is the most hilarious.

Ling Tian as a location doesn’t exist but the character ‘Legend of Ling Tian’ does. You can find the novel in novelupdates and, ah, some reviewers curse this Legend of Ling Tian novel as ‘bs where MC has so many women and all of them are so obedient…’ also the character had been described as having ‘started cultivating in his mother’s womb…’

https://legend-of-ling-tian.fandom.com/wiki/Ling_Tian

I’m guessing the author either loves or hates this novel…

[4] Sell meng – act cute