Chapter 79: It Pains Me to Watch
Author: Black Lantern (黑色花灯)
Link: https://book.qidian.com/info/1009922190
Translated by Gumihou
Gumi: Okay, new information here. Just learned that the 兰花 (orchid) used here is 西兰花 (western orchid) otherwise known as ‘broccoli’.
So, the dish is actually Broccoli Wolfberry Bull Pizzle or Braised Bull Pizzle with Broccoli and Wolfberry
What the heck…
Translated it as Braised Bull Pizzle with Orchid and Wolfberry which had sent Gumi into a ???? spiral…
With a pair of scissors, Ye Fei cut off the [2a] plump part of the Bull Pizzle’s head neatly.
[1] At the sight of this neat operation, most of the people in Ye Fei’s channel shuddered. Especially the men. They all winced at the audible ‘kacha’.
“F*ck, this old man’s crotch just shivered.”
“It’s, it’s still here, good, good,”
“Ye Fei’s scissor skills are really neat, ah. Could it be possible that this fellow worked as a palace castrator in his past life?”
“Cherish the root of life, stay away from Deity Ye. He’s too dangerous, I’m covered in cold sweat.”
“Deity Ye’s ability with the scissors is too beautiful, ah. Mommy has just gained a skill, in the future, if that bastard in my house dares to go out and fool around again, I shall practice this skill on him.”
“The beauty Upstairs, please be prudent, ah.”
The channel was very lively with all kinds of talk going on.
After cutting off the Bull Pizzle head, [2b] he trimmed the Bull Pizzle with the scissors before rinsing it with clean water. After having thoroughly cleaned the Bull Pizzle, he placed it on a plate.
Next, he placed a large pot on the stove, half filled it with water and added sliced ginger, garlic and spring onions as well as the Bull Pizzle. Then, he turned on the fire to raise the temperature.
The three aromatics were essential when it comes to removing unwanted odours. Moreover, Ye Fei used top-quality aromatics, which he was certain would efficiently remove odours from the Bull Pizzle.
Leaving the pot aside to boil, Ye Fei got started on the other ingredients.
Although Bull Pizzle was an essential ingredient for the Braised Bull Pizzle, other ingredients like Broccoli and Wolfberry were also important.
He picked up the Broccoli head and said, “Friends who like Broccoli should know that this vegetable originates from the eastern part of the Mediterranean, where the sun is always full and the temperature moderate. The Broccoli sprouts at 25 degrees and grows best around 22 degrees. This is the time when flower head began to develop. When the temperature drops to 18 degrees, that’s when the broccoli began to develop its flavour and nutrient content.
It is known as the king of vegetables as it contains higher levels of protein, vitamins and carotene compared to other similar kinds of vegetables. This Broccoli is imported from its land of origin. Let me tell you, this Broccoli is picked from the wild [3]…”
Everyone was completely speechless. Another ‘from the wild’ ingredient?
“Fuck, I realised that Deity Ye and from the wild vegetables come hand in hand. A few days ago, the Scrambled Eggs with Tomatoes was made with wild tomatoes, the peppers for the Peasant-style Stir-fried Pork were also from the wild. Now we see from the wild Broccoli. Just where did he find all these wild vegetables, ah?”
“Who knows, ah? All I know is that the ingredients used by Deity Ye for his live broadcast are all carefully selected. I like broadcasters like him.”
“A wild Broccoli, ah. I’ve never seen one before. This will be my first time seeing it. Woah, the wild flower head is bigger than ordinary broccoli, ah.”
“The best thing about it has to be its colour, ah. Look at that emerald green, really makes me want to jump up and take a couple of bites out of it.”
“Upstairs bro, that thing is raw.”
“Broccoli could be eaten raw. Don’t you know that lots of westerners eat raw Broccoli?
“Okay, now I want to eat it too.”
After introducing the Broccoli, Ye Fei took out a small basket. There were lots of tiny holes in the basket. After carefully breaking the Broccoli into pieces, he rinsed the Broccoli florets in the basket under the tap before setting them aside.
Then, he took out bamboo tube. He unscrewed the bamboo tube and poured the contents onto a white porcelain bowl.
As soon as the viewers saw the content of the bowl, they began to chat again.
“Wolfberry, that has to be Wolfberry… I’m guessing that these are from the wild too.”
“Pu~~ Upstairs, you’re really smart.”
“Deity Ye’s ingredients are all wild things. Now, I have to wonder if that Bull Pizzle is from a wild Angus Cattle, haha.”
“The silly fellow Upstairs, you don’t understand the intro?”
“You’re the silly one, you’re the silly fellow.”
“Still refusing to admit to being silly? Deity Ye had given a long introduction earlier, did noting enter your ear? That’s the special Angus Cattle from the Oceania farm, fed with wine, you know?”
The group of people quarrelled cheerfully with each other. From time to time, a luxury cruise ship would float past. As for planes, one would fly past the screen every few seconds, as though they were part of the background that cost no money to launch.
“I’m sure everyone should recognise this. It’s Wolfberry. It has other names too, such as Goji Berry or Gouqi etc. While it has many different names, most people recognised it as Wolfberry. These are planted in a large scale over at the [4] Ningxia Province. However, many of them are artificially cultivated. Aside from Ningxia, a type of special wild Wolfberry could be found in the northern area called the Wild Northern Wolfberry. The ones I’m using now are these wild Wolfberries that grew naturally without the aid of pesticides and fertilizers.
It could be said that these plants are very difficult to grow, but once they bore fruit, their nutritional value is immeasurable. Whether it is for moistening the lungs, nourishing the kidneys or liver protection, its efficacy is much more powerful than any ordinary wolfberries.”
As Ye Fei made the introductions, he soaked the Wolfberries in the porcelain bowl.
By now, the water in the pot had reached boiling point. Because the Bull Pizzle was no ordinary ingredient, it needed longer boiling time, otherwise, it would not properly cook, let alone be rid of the fishy smells.
Ten more minutes later, Ye Fei turned off the fire and opened the lid. With a pair of ivory chopsticks, he picked out the Bull Pizzle and placed it on a large plate.
Once it was cool enough to touch, Ye Fei started to peel off the outer skin from the point where he had cut the head off.
Although this action appeared simple, it [2c] was not easy at all since the flesh is all interconnected to each other. Therefore, as Ye Fei exerted effort to peel the skin, the men in the channel felt a chill in their nether parts.
“F*ck, it hurts to look.”
“How cruel, ah.”
“He’s not tearing up yours, why are you cringing?”
“Sssttt~~ After seeing Deity Ye make food today, I finally understand what ‘shivering with fear’ means. Your mom, I’m going to the toilet first.”
In the real world, I Am a Foodie was staring as Ye Fei tore the outer skin of the Bull Pizzle, the corner of his mouth kept twitching.
Tao Ties’ mouth was wide open as he kept sucking in cold air into his lungs.
Tasting Everything Under Heaven dare not say anything into the microphone. He could peel his eyes away from the sight even as he trembled.
8-Treasure Cuisine was no longer lying in his hammock. He was seated upright in a chair, a gorgeous beauty beside him. He was holding a glass of wine for her.
8-Treasure cuisine looked at Ye Fei peeling the Bull Pizzle skin, then slowly turned his head to look at the Beauty beside him.
His female companion looked fascinated by the procedure.
The fellow asked, “Mansha, you like watching this?”
The woman called Mansha nodded, “It’s a learning experience.”
8-Treasure Cuisine shivered. He hastily stood up and said, “Well, that is… Mansha, I want to be alone for a bit, please go outside for a moment.”
Ye Fei finally managed to peel off the outer skin of the Bull Pizzle. With a pair of scissors, he trimmed off excess fat and tendons off the Pizzle before finally cutting along the side of the Pizzle through the middle part, [2d] excessing the urethra.
This area was the source of whatever stinky smells since that’s where urine flows out. Over time, a lot of ‘essence’ would be gathered here. Therefore, to properly remove the smell, it is essential to clean this part.
After that, he switched to a small knife and carefully scraped the insides. Finally, with a long exhale, he rinsed the Bull Pizzle with clean water.
He reused the pot from earlier, after changing out the water, of course. Ye Fei placed the Bull Pizzle into the pot along with ginger, garlic and spring onion and began to simmer.
After simmering for about 10 minutes, Ye Fei took out the Bull Pizzle and used the same small knife to score lines into the Pizzle. Once this step was complete, he cut the Pizzle into 4 or 5 cm in length. He did not use the entirety of the Bull Pizzle, only the middle bit, which he managed to take out 7 or 8 sections.
After splitting the sections into half, longwise, the prep work for the Bull Pizzle was finally over. The rest was stewing.
He changed the pot of water again. This time, he did not only add spring onion, ginger and garlic, but also aniseed and several other spices and let everything simmer in the pot along with the Bull Pizzle.
Woah, the wild flower head is bigger than ordinary broccoli, ah.
Gumihou: …Pfffttt!!!
[1] Some small adjustments to improve the text
[2] More Bull Pizzle Trivia
[2a] This is how I know that the author is bullshitting, lol. Unlike a human penis, the bull pizzle has no ‘head’. The end just tapers off so that it slips easily back into the shaft when not in use.
In short, the Bull Pizzle here is a fantasy ingredient
[2b] Wrong cleaning method. Should blanch first to firm up the meat for easier cleaning. Also, he was ‘peeling off’ the pizzle here, which is… not advisable. Also, since he also ‘peeled the skin’ later after the blanching process, remove this first ‘peeling’ action and replaced it with ‘slitting up the side’
[2c] More wrong method, but, eh.
[2d] Should have cut open this part first before boiling it.
[3] Aside from the fact that Broccoli comes from the brassica oleracea family with common cultivators such as cabbage, kale, kohlrabi, brussel sprouts, cauliflower, and more besides, the ‘broccoli’ as we know it was cultivated back in 600 BCE during the Roman Empire. Back then, cabbage was very popular as ‘medicine food’.
Broccoli with its giant ‘flower’ could not exist in the wild. There is no such thing as a ‘wild broccoli’, you might as well say you found a hamburger bush or pizza tree.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Broccoli#Nutrition
In short, this ‘wild grown’ brocco is an absolute fake, a fantasy ingredient.
https://www.bestfoodfacts.org/food-facts-broccolis-wild-roots/
[4] Ningxia Wolfberry – this actually exist, lol
https://www.bbc.com/travel/article/20200226-the-berry-that-keeps-asia-looking-young
‘Wild’ Wolfberry exists too – the article is in Chinese
https://news.cnhnb.com/rdzx/detail/443862/
Excerpt from site:
北方野生枸杞能吃吗？
野生枸杞可以吃的。北方野生枸杞叫做中华枸杞，因为多是长在道路两旁，加上光照时间短，糖分比较少，长出来的枸杞会特别小。虽然可以吃，但是口感很差，所以一般是没人食用的。
Can Wild Goji/Wolfberry be eaten?
Yes, you can eat wild wolfberries. The Wild Northern Wolfberry, also known as Chinese Wolfberry. Because it is mostly found growing on roadsides and did not get a lot of sunlight, its sugar content is lower, which resulted in smaller fruits. Though it could be eaten, its mouthfeel is rather lacking. Therefore, most people don’t eat them.
Well, delicious ‘Wild Northern Wolfberry’ is now officially a fantasy ingredient. Because they aren’t delicious at all.
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