Chapter 78: With a Kacha, It Broke
Author: Black Lantern (黑色花灯)
Link: https://book.qidian.com/info/1009922190
Translated by Gumihou
Even in his dreams, Ye Fei would never have thought that the System would actually make him use Bull Pizzle as an ingredient. For a while, he was really uncomfortable about handling a bull’s… thing. However, after giving it a little more thought, he conceded that what the System said made sense.
In the eyes of a chef, there was nothing embarrassing about parts of animals. It was all various pieces of meat ingredients after all. Once cooked, it just became one of the many necessary ingredients in a dish.
Once the thought dawned on Ye Fei, he calmly picked through the list of hundreds of Bull Pizzle dishes and chose to make Braised Bull Pizzle with Broccoli & Wolfberry. [1] It was a Level 2 Limited Dish, so he has the right to make it.
Ye Fei smiled into the camera and said, “Brothers, today we will be making something called Braised Bull Pizzle with Broccoli & Wolfberry. Maybe a lot of you feel that this ingredient is a bit embarrassing, but in the eyes of a chef, it’s another piece of meat. Though it is a bit rare, it is not something evil or detestable. So, don’t be embarrassed, everyone.”
Everyone laughed, the weird tension from before breaking a little. Indeed, when they first laid eyes on this thing, they all felt a little intimidated. None of them ever thought that Ye Fei would actually bring out such a hardcore and shocking ingredient. With zero mental preparation, they were all caught unprepared.
However, after calming down a little and remembering the beautiful aromas from Ye Fei’s previous delicacies, their embarrassment was replaced by curiosity.
“Deity Ye, you do your dish with confidence, ah. We are not children either and understand that this Bull… [1] thing is just an ingredient. We just want to see what kind of delicacy Deity Ye will transform this ingredient into,” Tasting Everything Under Heaven announced through his microphone.
The rest also chimed in their agreement.
Ye Fei smiled and nodded, “If that’s the case, let’s get started. Before, that, let me give everyone the background of this Bull Pizzle. As everyone noticed, this Bull Pizzle is very long and thick, its meat white and tender. Compared to other Bull Pizzle, it has a more beautiful appearance…”
“Pffftt~~~ more beautiful? Could the word ‘beautiful’ be used to describe this thing?”
“Haha, nothing beats Deity Ye’s introduction. This is the first time I heard someone use the word beautiful to describe the thing.”
“He should say ‘handsome’.”
“Wrong, ‘arrogant’.”
“’Domineering’ is the best. Once it is whipped out, who could compete?”
“F*ck me, you guys are too much. Your remarks are getting more and more ridiculous. Let’s pay attention Deity Ye’s introduction. I’m really curious about the origin of this… beautiful Bull Pizzle.
Ye Fei went on to say, “When it comes to beef cattle, I trust that my many foodie friends should know that the best quality beef cattle is Japan’s Wagyu beef, especially their A5 Wagyu, which is undoubtedly the best in the world. Within European and US, the A5 Wagyu beef is priced at about 60 or 70 dollars per 100g, which is pretty expensive. However, there is also another top-quality cattle on par with the Wagyu, and that is the Oceania Angus. These special cattle are raised in one of two ways, [2b] fodder fed and grain fed.
Of these two, Grain Fed Angus cattle are no worse than Wagyu in terms of meat quality and taste. Today, our ingredient came from Grain Fed Oceania Angus cattle from an Austra-Oceania Ranch [3]. This ranch invested a lot of money in raising their cattle. From birth to maturity, large amounts of money are spent to raise the quality of their meat. [2c] First, these cows are Grain Fed beef, which raises their beef to higher quality in terms of taste and textures. Secondly, the cattle are fed with [2d] red wine morning noon and night, every single day. The type of wine fed to these cattle must be fine wines from a French Bordeaux winery that cost about US$ 20 per glass. Red wine could help these Angus Cattle sleep better and gives a delicate nuance to the meat.
One could say that the Angus cattle, whether it is their meat, blood or their pizzle, each and every bit of their body is of the highest quality. Therefore, for today’s dish, we shall be using Australia Angus Bull Pizzle.”
At the end of his long introduction, Ye Fei put the Bull Pizzle away and took out the side ingredients, ginger, garlic, leeks, cooking wine, salt, starch, pepper and cooking oil, from another compartment.
This time, the oil provided by the System was the special Rose Oil.
While Ye Fei was busy in the kitchen, the gifts and reward items started to pour in.
8-Treasure Cuisine was as good as his word. After Ye Fei was done introducing the Bull Pizzle, he immediately sent 3 luxury cruise ships zooming across the screen.
“I didn’t expect this guy to come from Oceania Angus cattle. If this Pizzle belongs to one of those noble bulls, it is worth 3 luxury cruise ships.”
I Am a Foodie sent out 2 cruise ships before asking, “8-Treasure Bro, you’re familiar with beef?”
8-Treasure Cuisine said, “There are only a few famous beef cattle in the world. [2e] Japan’s Wagyu, Australia’s Angus, Italy’s Chianina and France’s Charolaise. These are the 4 Great Kings of Beef, each one of them the best of their breeds. I really did not expect Deity Ye to be so extravagant as to use such an expensive ingredient for a live cooking show.”
Tao Tie said, “I say, Deity Ye’s ingredients are always above bullshittery level. To think that he actually threw out a real ‘bull’ to treat us, ah. I respect you, 3 cruise ships!”
After that, Firecracker Not A Cracker as well as other people in the channel began to throw gifts at Ye Fei, causing a tsunami of gifts.
The situation left the group Silver Ranker Broadcasters and members of the QQ Platform staff speechless.
Silver Ranker Forum.
“F*ck, this again? This again? Your mom, do you have to hit people in the face like this, ah?”
“That’s right, Ye Fei’s fans are all insane, ah. He just casually introduced a random ingredient, do you people have to be so excited? To send out 30 cruise ships, 50 sports cars all at once. His sis, that’s already a few hundred thousand yuan.”
“Each time I watch Ye Fei’s live broadcast, my heart feels like it’s on the verge of collapsing. The blow is too strong.”
“I really want to run over and snatch up all of his cruise ship fans, ah. That is all money, ah, ah, ah, ah!”
The Company Forum. This was the first time some of the staff from other sections see this kind of reward method with their own eyes, and they were all stunned beyond belief.
“Like that also can?”
“Your mom, they are already giving out rewards? He hasn’t even started cooking yet, ah.”
“Aiyo, wei… A-a-are these people all fools? Don’t they have even the slightest suspicion that Ye Fei is fooling them?”
“That’s right, I think Ye Fei is full of bullsh*t. What Australian Angus Cattle? I’ve never heard of it.”
“Me neither, when I eat steak, I can’t tell whether it’s good or not. I only know whether it’s done or not. It is all the same after all.”
“Do cows even need so much attention? To even drink wine, moreover wines costing US$20 per glass. That has to be a few hundred yuan per bottle, moreover, the cows drink wine with all their 3 meals so just one day of wine alone would cost over 10,000 yuan!”
“You’re wrong, do you think the cows sip at their wines? Have you never heard of the saying gulp like a cow? I’m sure that a single cow could gulp down several thousands of yuan in wine in one go, ah. That’s really mother*cking extravagant, ah.”
“I think, just this wave alone is worth HX¥500,000.”
“This bunch of hammerheads, how do they expect other broadcasters to live, ah? Your mom, I can’t even find a shadow of my confidence now.”
Ye Fei had no idea what was going on within the channel. Nor did he know that there were a few different factions of people watching his broadcast now.
After preparing all the side ingredients, it was time to deal with the Bull Pizzle.
An ingredient like Bull Pizzle could be made into something [2f] delicious in the hands of the knowledgeable. However, if an ignorant person tries to handle it, leaving aside ‘delicious’, they might not even be able to get rid of the smell of urea.
As for Ye Fei, the knowledge of how to properly clean and handle this ingredient had been loaded into his brain by the System.
As everyone watched, Ye Fei grabbed a pair of very shiny scissors from the holder and with a ‘kacha’, [2g] it broke into two.
[Gumihou: … that ‘kacha’ sound had better be from the scissors. If any of you have ever handled beef tendon before, the sensation is pretty similar. No bones to go ‘kacha’]
[1] Some small adjustments to improve the text
[2] Beef Trivia
[a] Pricing – Since China can’t claim to have the best beef, the author refused to allow Japan to claim ‘best beef’ position and beefed up Australian Angus’s reputation so that it is neck and neck with wagyu…
Gumi will just take this as a fantasy ingredient.
https://osmeatshop.com/blogs/blog-posts/japanese-wagyu-vs-black-angus-which-one-should-you-buy
[b] Fodder Fed vs Grain Fed
Is actually bullsh*t, since they essentially meant the same thing.
Fodder = things we feed animals including grain, sprouted grains, hay, corn etc. Grain fed is just a subsection of fodder fed.
It should be Grain Fed vs Grass Fed vs Grain Fed, Grass Finished
But, hey, Fantasy Ingredient can feed on fantasy subgroup food
https://carnivorestyle.com/wagyu-vs-angus-beef/
[c] Grain Fed better?
Actually, it depends on the grain, but, as a general rule, yes.
Grain Fed beef should be richer and more ‘buttery’. Even so, the ratio of corn, soy, corn-by-products could affect the taste of beef. Therefore, while grain fed cows are tastier (compared to grass fed, which could be meatier or gamier), corn fed beef tends to be described as ‘sweeter’ and ‘richer’.
[d] Feeding Cattle with wine – This practice actually started in France, you know, the land of wine? It makes sense for the crazy French to actually conduct this experiment to create the ‘Vinbovin’ (Wine Cattle)
https://theweek.com/articles/473865/cows-that-drink-wine-make-better-steaks
Gumi guessed that this was the author’s way of one upping the beer-fed Kobe cows of Japan.
The wine-fed cow experiment makes sense in France because a French winery and cattle farmer collaborated on the project. What did not make sense to me is that an ‘Austra-Oceania’ ranch would import wine from halfway around the other side of the globe for ‘Fine French Wine’ when it has its own vineyards. Excellent ones at that. Please feed the cattle local wines.
[e] Famous cattle breeds:
Japan – Wagyu (Kobe breed specifically)
Australia – Angus (Originate from Scotland, lol)
Italy – Chianina (one of the largest, oldest cattle breeds in the world. Has been raised in the Italian regions for at least 2200 years. Drought resistant.)
French – Charolais (second most numerous cattle after Holstein, which is bred for milk). The Vinbovin experiment in Note [2d] was done with these cattle
[f] Chichi Wang article – Experimented with various Bull Pizzle recipes. https://www.seriouseats.com/chongqing-style-beef-penis-with-wolfberries-recipe
The article detailed her experiment, including her failures and personal opinion on this ingredient. Debunking the ‘this ingredient could be delicious’ claim.
Well, Bull Pizzle could be delicious in the same way shark fins are delicious. Both are essentially tasteless, needlessly expensive, a pain to prepare and borrow their flavours from other ingredients even as they are presented as the ‘star’ of the show.
[g] Naturally, Gumi googled how to clean and cook Bull Pizzles
Uncle Rural Gourmet – processing method for testicles and penises, pretty graphic. However, I can say that balls and sausages are much, much easier to clean than intestines. The nonsense about cleaning off urea and cutting the pizzle into half while raw is… not conducive for cleaning purposes.
Kind of like cutting a bunch of leeks in half before sorting out the wilted leaves, essentially giving yourself twice the work. Also, there is no way a penis would break with a ‘kacha’. Only bones and cartilage will go ‘kacha’
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfCNWQzsMF0
[3] Austra-Oceania Ranch – It’s really unclear whether the author is using a pseudonym of Australia or that the name of the ranch is called Austra-Oceania, but I guess that’s not the important point here…
Bonus Bull Pizzle anecdote:
Gordon Ramsey eats a Bull’s Penis soup – It’s fun to see him chop the penis and call out various people’s name, lol.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rNGzo-o9Xg
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